She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
