the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize