He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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