i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
