My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
