is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
