She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
