Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
