I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
