i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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