Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
