Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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