I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
