: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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