I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
