you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
