Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
