I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
