what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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