I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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