Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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