Jerry, you need to find god
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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