Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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