my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
