My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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