remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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