Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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