Swine flu. Run for my life!
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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