plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
