I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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