he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
