Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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