The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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