ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
