he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
