Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
