I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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