I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
