judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
