Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
