I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
