My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
