My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
