Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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