We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
