After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Duck Duck Cougar?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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