He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize