I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
