I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
