worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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