Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Fuck appropriateness.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
