I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
