Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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