Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
